You’re having a baby! Congratulations! You’re going to be a mom. Of course you’re still a hot young thing as evidenced by how often you and your husband have been nonstop raw doggin’ it, and you shouldn’t let that go unnoticed. Let your friends and family know just how much you’ve been pounding that D to get this baby.
The Shoe Collage
Baby shoes are a classic pregnancy announcement. It’s cute, simple, and gets the message across. Except that you also need to get the message across that you’ve been slamming each other silly every second you get. Lay out a pair of your trashiest heels alongside the most athletic and youthful shoes he has. Spritz the shoes so they’re wet for some reason—a sexy hat tip to the fact that you’ve both enjoyed several orgasms in the process of conception. Put a pair of baby shoes next to these and a cursive font that reads: “We made these shoes happen.”
You and your husband are both sore from all the condom-free banging you’ve done to produce a baby, so get into the raw-hide spirit with some dress up! You and your hubby should wear adorably rugged cowboy hands and denim vests. Put your hair in pigtails to really get the fertile-cowgirl-ready-to-populate-the-western-territories vibe. Then have him lie back in a pile of barn hay and pose like you’re riding him. Use an old timey font to say, “Git along, little spermies! Also we’re pregnant.”
Bye Bye Birth Control!
This is a fun one. Hold up your old NuvaRing and have your hubs pose with a row of condoms (Magnum, of course, to really rub it in all your friends’ faces that you’ve been impregnated by a monster virile dong). Stand back-to-back with eyebrows raised in sex-filled wonder and hold them up like, “Oh, brother!” Use a large, cartoonish font to say, “Looks like these didn’t work!” Then send them to your family. Ha ha!
An Atypical Gender Reveal Cake
Maybe you’ve been holding off on the announcement to make sure the pregnancy was viable and now you also want to share the baby’s gender. An oozing chocolate lava cake can be a great way to show everyone how full of sex juice you must have been in order to pull this thing off. Instead of having a blue cake, you can hide one blue M&M in there so that party guests really have to sort through this symbol of your fecundity.
It took a lot of hot boners and slippery sex stuff to make this baby happen and you shouldn’t have to write that off in favor of some boring baby announcement. Try these announcements on for size before you get stretched in even bigger and better ways!