It’s a question all expecting parents will ask sooner or later: What should I name my baby? With a seemingly limitless selection of names, picking just one might feel impossible! But by selecting from a popular range of traditional and contemporary numbers, you allow your child to succeed or fail based on their own merit and not because of the unrealistic expectations society has set for their gender. Here are some of the digits parents are gaga over this year:
820
Your baby might be chilly since your Aunt Kathy won’t know whether to knit a pink or blue blanket, but warmth is a small price to pay for gender equality. With all of the strength your baby will gain from denying the crushing weight of gender roles, your little fighter will knit their own blanket, master their own cross-stitch, and generate enough body heat to dominate any industry. We love 820 because it’s edgy like 420, but almost double that!
55
Spare your friends and coworkers the breath spent asking if your little one is going to be a girl or a boy by saying, “It’s a person.” This timesaving tip will allow for more fruitful conversations like if your child will be a dreamer or a warrior. With a same-numeral double-digit number like 55, you give the impression that your child contains multitudes.
.02
Who’s to say you’re limited to just integers when it comes to numbering your baby? A tasteful >1 decimal name like .02 is perfect for couples who want to imbue their fetus with the audacity to innovate. Your newborn won’t ever miss out on playing with Legos because of their passion for colonial dolls. Your tiny architect will show everyone who’s boss by earning a degree in construction management, acquiring a contractor’s license, and spending their first year after college in a public service program building miniature houses for historical dolls. Also, they will probably learn to crawl early. Little .02 is such a pioneer!
37
Fear that strangers will call your dapper newborn a player or a lady’s man? This prime number will stop the heteropatriarchy in its tracks. Your little activist will make strangers uncomfortable by asking grown adults why they’re flirting with a baby before handing out an informational pamphlet about consent. Just try to divide and conquer this prime baby—you can’t!
4000
Denying your newborn an authentic superhero Halloween costume because of their girly name will only further conceal their powers and leave them solemn and embarrassed. However, growing up with this gender-neutral moniker will empower your little hero to embrace their radioactive vision and save municipalities everywhere—at least in the world of make-believe. In real life, your kid will hold sway with his/her peers because of his/her weird number name.
With these outside-the-box numerical monikers, your sweet, precious baby might just have a chance at life outside the confines of oppressive gender norms. They also might be an insufferable dickhead. Who knows!
