In an act of unprecedented grace, Pope Francis has announced that the Catholic Church will allow priests to forgive women who have committed the “original sin” of menstruation.
“It is important, in this Year of Mercy, for the Church to show compassion toward all members of society,” said Pope Francis, after the Synod on Girl Stuff concluded late last week. “Even the unclean sinners among us may be scrubbed anew. If these women promise to never bleed again, who am I to judge?”
The Pope specified that he has given priests permission to forgive only women with humble vaginas. “There are physical examinations available for women who wish to prove their contrition,” explains a representative for the Pope. “The sinners in question will receive absolution after performing penance, which will generally involve burning all of their sinful period paraphernalia in front of the entire congregation. In this way do we show mercy. Catholic bleeders, come home.”
John Sullivan, president of Catholic Fathers Against Menstruation, has been picketing his local church. He says the announcement has outraged members of his community, many of whom think periods are “weird”.
“When Jesus bled for our sins, you definitely didn’t hear Him complaining about cramps,” says Sullivan. “Jesus didn’t get to take a ‘personal day’ due to bloating. When He was nailed to the cross, Jesus didn’t bitch anybody out before bursting into tears. It’s right there in the Bible.”
Sullivan also expressed concern for the precedent that could be set by this announcement.
“Already, millions of men are made uncomfortable every single day by menstruation. Now I’m afraid to send my sons to school in the event that one of his classmates decides to just go ahead and get her period ‘because the Pope said it was okay’,” he says. “What if this girl decides to talk about it? Where will Josh look? What will he do with his hands?”
Others are welcoming the announcement. Sue Morris, 53, a devout Catholic, says she’s been holding onto her “bodily shame” for 40 years and is grateful for the opportunity to repent.
“I had resigned myself to spending the rest of eternity burning in hell, so this has really brightened up my Saturday”, says Morris. “Finally, at 53, I have successfully stopped this harmful sin.”
Pope Francis has stressed that while the church encourages compassion and forgiveness, women mustn’t forget that menstruation is still considered a moral evil. Priests will only have the power to forgive menstruation during a “Holy Year of Mercy” that begins in December.
“After that, I hope we can do away with this sin, once and for all.”
