Between his gay-friendly stances, his statements about heaven being open to non-Christians and generally discarding many backward beliefs that conservative Catholics hold dear, Pope Francis has made a name for himself as a progressive. While all this may make him seem like a revolutionary trailblazer, sources close to Pope Francis claim the troublemaker is actually just seeing what it takes to get a Pope fired.
“You can tell he’s already getting bored,” said an anonymous Vatican source. “I think he’s really trying to mess around, just to see how far he can take it.”
Some say Pope Francis has done everything short of loudly playing Marilyn Manson from a boom box on his balcony in order to get fired.
“He supports the theory of evolution, for Christo’s sake,” says the source. “That’s the Church equivalent of photocopying your buttocks on the office copy machine.”
Most theologians agree that Francis is taking the opposite strategy to get fired from his predecessor Pope Benedict, who upheld Catholic traditions by making offensive comments regarding both Muslims and Jews, proselytizing that condoms help to spread HIV, and claiming that deviating from traditional gender roles was “a violation of the natural order.”
“That guy was a real kiss-ass,” said Francis last Tuesday, in a tweet that has since been deleted.
Despite vocal opposition from Secretary of State Pietro Parolin and several other high-ranking officers in the Holy See, Pope Francis continues to tweet from a Twitter account @FakePope. Tweets include “I’d happy to baptize aliens. They go to Heaven, too!” and “Watch me get fired. WATCH me.”
“We told him he could just quit, but he wants the unemployment,” says another source.
Some of the Catholic-specific topics he is planning to push the envelope with this year are: “All Eucharistic hosts will be gluten-free,” and that “Women would make excellent priests – especially thick women!” and “I love thick women.”
Delving deeper, Pope Francis says that his biggest resolution for 2015 is sorting out his own feelings on Heaven and Hell, and then sharing his shockingly liberal conclusions. “To be honest, I’m not really big on organized religion. Really more of a spiritual guy.”
He then grinned largely, looked over both shoulders, and asked, “I hope they heard that.”