Pope: ‘Abortion Is a Mitzvah’

Pope Francis shocked Catholics and non-Catholics alike when he announced that women who have had abortions can be forgiven, but the speech he gave today in St. Peter’s Square was even more surprising. The Pope declared that abortion is not only pardonable; it is, as he put it, a “mitzvah”.


“Abortion is one of the ways in which women exercise the control they can and should have over their own bodies,” he said. “And what is more blessed than that? L’chaim!”


This is a big step forward for women in the Catholic Church, unlike the steps backward Pope Francis took as he moonwalked away from the podium after delivering his remarks.


“I have no plans to get an abortion,” said Alice Greene, Catholic and resident of Akron, Ohio, on the Pope’s announcement. “But it’s nice to know that if I do, I will have God’s blessing.”


“Hell yeah, you will!” added Pope Francis, who had been standing behind Ms. Greene and giving her bunny ears for the duration of the interview. “You’d better believe Slumbering Vishnu is behind you all the way. Namaste, girl, Namaste.”


The Pope then swished a killer half-court shot to tie the game of pick-up basketball he had been playing the whole time.



Abortion rights activists and Jewish leaders alike were thrilled to hear the Pope’s statement. “We are pleased that the world’s 1.2 billion Catholics now have the Pope’s blessing to seek abortions,” said Ilyse Hogue, president of NARAL. “We were not expecting this,” added Rabbi Rick Jacobs, president of the Union for Reform Judaism, “but we’re glad to hear His Holiness is using our words.”


Other officials within the Church are less than thrilled about God’s new stance on terminating a pregnancy. Bishop Timothy M. Dolan, the archbishop of New York, is one of many who still has reservations about the former grave sin now being considered a Jewish blessing.


“Since when is abortion an expression of faith? In what world does that make sense?”


“This one, bitch!” interjected Pope Francis, before trapping Bishop Dolan in a headlock and giving him a sound noogie. He added, “Religion should be about love and acceptance, not rules, hierarchies, or shame!” while enjoying a traditional Halal dinner.


“Let me go,” countered Bishop Dolan, which the Pope acknowledged by giving him a wet willy.


Despite Bishop Dolan and others like him, Pope Francis has no plans to retract his statement. When Church officials pressured him to qualify his assertions, the Pope told them to “stop their kvetching”.