Woman Declares She ‘Cannot Get Sick’

After witnessing displayed symptoms of a cold, Parker Wagner of Durham, New Hampshire, declared in the company of an ill friend that she “absolutely can not get sick right now.”


The announcement came after her friend Rachel sneezed six times in a movie theatre, prompting Parker to violently shake a bottle of Emergen-C dangerously close to Rachel’s face. It wasn’t until the sneezes, though, that Wagner felt she “had to take action.”


“I’m sorry, but I was not about to let her get away with that. It’s so selfish. I am so busy this time of year and I can’t be leaking out of every orifice in my face like a toddler in a grocery cart,” Wagner pleaded.


“Just trust me, though, if anyone ‘could get sick’ this week, it’s Parker. She has no job, no kids and drinks enough cold-pressed citrus juices that she has a permanent aversion to spearmint.”



Friends of Wagner claim this declaration is unsurprising. “I told Parker that my grandfather died of cancer last year and all she said was, ‘That sucks. I can not get cancer right now,” added Parker’s neighbor, Kathy Dennis. “And I found out I was pregnant with my son, Connor, she just said, ‘I can’t get pregnant right now.’ As if she could actually catch my son.”


“I’m not here to apologize for being cautious,” Wagner added upon further questioning. “Some people can afford a few days on the couch just like other people can afford a yacht. I might be able to afford a yacht but I’ll be damned if selfish Rachel gets me sick just because she couldn’t see the new Annie movie alone.”