In a beautiful, moving performance coming out of your living room, it appears the Ficus that you have not watered once over the past few weeks and placed directly in front of the air conditioning unit is now playing dead…probably.
Wow! Flex your acting chops, queen!
“I knew my plant was an actor, but I didn’t know she was this good!” you told reporters gathered at the scene. “I mean, such physical commitment to the character.”
You then gestured to the Ficus, which was drooping and visibly turning brown, a two-pronged performance that is surely to get critics’ attention this Oscar season.
“Only a trained eye could notice that she’s faking being dead because I actually gave her a ton of water earlier,” you continued. “I gave her so much water that the pot overflowed! So yeah, she’s definitely fine and just pretending to be dead for my benefit.”
Reporters were quick to point out that watering a plant to the point it overflows is also not good, but you were too busy gawking at the Ficus, whispering for everyone to shut up and really take in the performance.
While you admit you haven’t tended to the plant at all in recent memory and did place it in a corner where there is no sunlight, you maintain this is all part of the plant’s plan to “go method.”
“In order to ‘play dead’ she does have to be a bit dead, yes,” you continued. “I just did my best to ‘get her there’ if you know what I mean. But this? This performance is all her. I can’t take any credit for the hard work she’s put in! It really is such a grueling process and an even more brutal industry.”
You then went on to describe the conditions in the industry facing a plant like yours that has wanted to play dead since she was just a sprout. In this time, reporters clocked about four other dead plants in your house who seemed to be suffering from the exact same afflictions.
“Yes, yes, many of my plants are playing dead right now,” you said, assuaging all concerns. “I guess you could say I run a bit of an acting school. I call it the Stella Adler School for Plants That Are Alive. The copyright is in progress, though.”
When reporters mentioned they would be sure to reach out to representatives of Stella Adler to confirm this, you quickly screamed “NO!” and walked it back.
