“‘Tis the season for the annual ironic “ugly sweater” party, as if everyone you know is usually so impeccably dressed. The gall of your less fashionable friends requiring you to be less than fabulous is an obvious crime against fashion as well as humanity. This year, fight back and own the ugly sweater party by wearing the most ironically unexpected sweater yet: a legitimately fabulous sweater.
You might be thinking, “But I like how with the ugly sweater party I don’t have to worry about finding a nice outfit and looking cute!” But you’d be wrong, you disgusting trend-whore who’s just looking for an excuse to be gross. Are you even a woman? Or, did you think you’re the kind of girl who can pull off an old, misshapen, crocheted faux-turtleneck sweater complete with gingerbread man pattern?
Please, please wear a beautiful cashmere, form-fitting sweater in a completely non-festive shade. Maybe a mustard yellow, a lilac, a caramel, preferably straight from the runway. It will cost several times more than all the other sweaters at the party combined, but what price can you really put on your dignity? Isn’t it worth it to rise above this idiotic charade? These self-congratulatory parties, designed for people to let a little loose with friends and family are supposedly what this season is all about. No. This season is about making memories that your friends will treasure forever. Like your fucking fabulous sweater.
Maybe you’re concerned that everyone at the party will hate you. But that’s just a sign that you’re living life to the fullest. So here’s to wishing you happy, healthy, and most importantly, haute-couture level holidays to you and your hot sweater!