We all love a drunken, sloppy one-night stand, but let’s face it: A little cuddling and brunch the morning after is what really gets us off. Keep last night’s hookup from leaving early by preparing an overnight crockpot breakfast that says, “You can handle another hour of consciousness with this girl.”
Cheesy Corned Beef “Hash Before Dash” Bake
Avoid a smash-and-dash with this recipe for cheesy corned beef hash that’s as easy as you were last night! Shredded cheese, fingerling potatoes, and beef brisket combine to make a breakfast so comforting, he’ll be comfortable enough to look at your mascara-stained face in the light of day. While he shoves forkfuls of cheesy goodness into his mouth, you’ll be free to talk about your graduate school application, your younger siblings, or that bitch Tracy who destroyed your four-year relationship with Jake who wasn’t really the one anyway so it all worked out, kind of.
Make-Ahead “Bacon and (Please Don’t) Eggscape” Casserole
Looking for a night with no strings attached, but want a little more than a nail-and-bail? Get in that morning pillow talk with a hearty serving of slow-cooked bacon and eggs. The smell of sizzling bacon will mask your repulsive tequila breath as you rest your head on his boney, rigid torso. Packed with protein, this casserole is sure to leave him asking for seconds, giving you another half-hour of worthless, labored conversation.
Crockpot “Crème Brul-Stay” French Toast
There’s something exhilarating about a spontaneous tryst with a sexy stranger, but no one looks forward to the classic pounce-and-bounce. Whip up this crème brûlée French toast the night before to guarantee a leisurely morning with your mortified sex guest. The thick, rich challah bread will quickly halt his plans of escape, but it’s the warm caramel sauce that will send him into a sugar coma, paralyzing him in your bed for at least three episodes of Friends. In an hour, he won’t be there for you, but they will. They always will.
Overnight Apple Steel-Cut-My-Wrists-If-You-Leave Oatmeal
Anticipating a hump-and-dump, but can’t bear to be left behind yet again? Prepare for his early exit with a breakfast so nutritious he’ll have the strength to tolerate your clingy, desperate attempts at cuddling. He’ll get the most important meal of the day, and you’ll get the most important part of your day: several minutes of forced small talk with Carly’s childhood friend’s cousin. A good source of fiber and vitamin C, this oatmeal is the perfect kick-start to his day, and the perfect temporary solution to your permanent, crippling loneliness.
The next time you’re looking for some uncommitted fun, throw together a few ingredients, set the crockpot to low, and turn that straddle-and-skedaddle into the morning-after of your lowest expectations!
