Ooh Sorry I’m Late, I Just Don’t Think About Time in the Traditional Sense

I never thought I’d be the person who’s always late to work. As a teen, I was a straight-A student and always showed up to class at least ten minutes early. But after attending college and questioning the arbitrary rules that society forces us to follow (and also smoking a ton of weed), I realized time is a manmade concept and if I abide by it I’m letting society rule my mind. So, I want you to know that I am truly sorry for being late, I just don’t think about time in a linear sense like you do anymore. For me, it’s way more complex than that.


However, I am aware that you do think of time traditionally, and for you I do appear to be two hours late to the office. Sorry!


It won’t happen again. Or, maybe it will, but not because I don’t care about my job. The only reason this is happening is because I got rid of all the clocks in my room and closed all the blinds so no time-indicator (natural or otherwise) can influence my life. Sure, the “sun” may be out, and it may be “noon” by your standards, but I may still be fast asleep. And that’s just my fun little quirk, I guess!


Look, I definitely understand where you’re coming from. You abide by this arbitrary construct we call time, and I don’t. At least not in the traditional sense – don’t worry, I fully understand space-time as a meaningful way of describing the physical world! I just don’t believe that it is “eleven o’clock” or that I “overslept,” by your definition of the words. Neither of us is better or worse, we’re just different.


Though this has meant I haven’t filed my taxes in three years and snack nervously basically all the time cause I’m not sure if it’s dinnertime or the middle of the night. But at least I’m free from the anxiety of being late!



I know what you’re thinking: “Time is the only thing literally everyone agrees on.” But for me personally? Time is oppressive. Yes, you heard me: scheduling, making plans, clocks, phones, timers and aging oppress me. We’re just going to have to agree to disagree here because this is my truth.


I understand if you have to fire me. But then again, why am I being singled out just because I am a recluse who comes into work and sits in the kitchen eating cheez-its all day to avoid seeing the time on my computer screen?


And if you think I’m being dramatic, just look at yourself. Addicted to your phone and nervous about your 30th birthday? I’m ageless, baby. But if anyone asks, I am in my mid-twenties.