In an inspiring story about setting necessary boundaries, 25-year-old Juneau, AK resident Stevie Harding has finally put her foot down and said, “I’ll have to pass, it makes me anxious,” after being offered a relationship.
“I’ve just tried being in relationships before, mostly as a result of peer pressure,” Stevie told reporters. “Everyone says it’ll help me relax, but relationships have always made me paranoid! I think it’s about time I start listening to my body and just say no.”
Stevie made this decision when her long-term hookup, Jenny Lim, asked if she would like to make things official, seeing as all their friends were doing it and it’s legal now.
“You see people in relationships on every street corner!” Jenny told reporters. “So, I just assumed Stevie would be down for it, too. Plus, we’re old enough now that being in a relationship doesn’t pose as many risks as it does for young people, seeing as our brains are fully developed and everything.”
As hard as Jenny tried to convince Stevie to give it a try (start a relationship and then maybe get some food and watch a movie), Stevie was vehemently opposed.
“My hands get clammy, and I get super nervous,” she said. “It’s just not fun for me!”
This outcome didn’t come as a surprise to Stevie’s friends, who have had to babysit her in the past when her relationships have taken a turn for the worse.
“She tried being in a relationship for the first time in seventh grade,” her roommate, Maya Sangupta, told reporters. “Huge disaster. I saw her behind the bleachers with Kyle Witten and I’m pretty sure the first time he offered her a relationship, she threw up? Must not have agreed with her stomach.”
Sources close to Kyle confirm that this is true and that he will never offer her one again.
At press time, Stevie decided to break up with Jenny entirely and instead travel the country working with schools to warn teens about the dangers of relationships.
“You might think that just because all your friends are doing it, it’s going to be great for you too, but everyone reacts to relationships differently,” she told the students of Harold M. Winberger Middle School. “Some people just have a lower tolerance – for relationships – and should learn to find joy in other, more natural ways. Like drugs!”