It’s Christmastime, which means it’s time to dust off your old VHS tapes and be reminded that the prosperous early nineties of your youth is something, according to multiple articles your mom has emailed you, that you’re never going to be able to enjoy as an adult. Here are some classic movies that showcase the sleepy wealthy towns of America as you remember them when you were a child:
Unlike Macaulay Culkin, you will never have that much stuff to steal, especially from a gorgeous house on the North Shore of Chicago. Your neglected children, saddled with your debt, will never need to prove their cunning by rigging your bountiful electronics to create the elaborate illusion of a party. Not even the Wet Bandits will want your cracked iPhone 4 that you’ll still be using in 2030.
The Santa Clause
If you worked with a fat Tim Allen, you wouldn’t even notice his weight gain, because, you’d be too preoccupied by living paycheck to paycheck with inadequate health insurance.
Home Alone 2: Lost in New York
Seriously, when you look at your salary over the last few years, do you ever think you’re going to have a big enough credit limit that your forgettable-yet-resourceful child will be able to use it to check into the Plaza Hotel? He’ll have to take out another loan if he wants to do that.
Miracle on 34th Street
Santa can afford a house. Santa obviously doesn’t have any student debt.
I’ll Be Home For Christmas
You’re never going to be able to afford a vintage car to trade for your child’s time and affection. Thanks, recession.
Christmas movies from the nineties just warm our hearts, until when we think back on the lush youth we’ll never be able pay forward to our own children. Hold onto these memories, because they’re all on Netflix and you can’t afford to go to an actual theater anymore, anyway.