In an inspiring story out of Reno, NV, resident genius Martha Wyatt has finally found a way to avoid awkward party exits: not attending any parties in the first place.
Yes, Martha! Think outside the box and inside the home!
“I used to dread having to say goodbye at large gatherings,” Martha told reporters. “How would I find the host? How long of a goodbye is long enough to show that I care but not so long that it seems like I want to be shot?”
The answer: literally never go to anything ever again.
“My quality of life has improved significantly!” she continued. “No more stilted goodbyes, no more Irish exits, no more texts the next morning like, ‘Hey! I didn’t see you leave?’ There will be no one to notice I’m gone if I was never even there…”
Martha then pointed at her own temple as if to say, “See? Brilliant.”
Professor Jenna Braton at the University of North Carolina confirmed this is the only way to truly ensure a smooth party exit: “We’ve run hundreds of simulations and tried countless different methods of leaving parties, everything from only saying goodbye with your eyes to walking into every circle and giving them a quick, ‘Oops, sorry, bye!’ Nothing works quite as well as telling everyone to fuck off by not showing up.”
Martha did warn reporters that there have been significant consequences to this method, such as feeling amazing and being happy.
“Things have been tough,” she said, barely concealing a smile. “Now that I’ve stopped going to parties, people have kind of stopped inviting me.” She then whooped in delight and kissed a reporter on the cheek.
Martha isn’t the only one benefitting from her new practice: her friends are, too.
“We went to a party together a few weeks ago,” said Martha’s close friend Jenine Xu. “She dry-heaved in the bathroom for 30 minutes before working up the confidence to say goodbye. At that point, yeah, literally just stay home.”
Sources confirmed every single party host over the past several years could see the agony in Martha’s eyes when it came time to leave and would have preferred to make independent plans to catch up instead of having to watch whatever that was.
At press time, Martha was seen scrolling through Instagram stories on a Saturday night from the comfort of her own bed, laughing maniacally.