27-year-old Penelope Chen says there’s an unspoken dance to a first date. For example, she always offers to pay her half, but considers it a red flag if her date actually accepts, and she won’t go on a second date with them. She found the only exception to this rule, however, when her date took her up on her offer to split the bill, but in a “dine and dash” sort of way.
How forward thinking!
“I’m not usually down to split the bill with a guy on the first date,” Penelope told reporters. “But when he mentioned both of us paying $0, I was all ears. Now, we’ve skipped the second date altogether and jumped straight to being on the run from the law together.”
Penelope admits the adrenaline of being a bad person was kind of romantic, and she liked that her date saw her as someone equally capable of sneaking out the bathroom window and evading their dejected-looking waiter who half-heartedly chased them down the street.
Yes, we love a man who actively rages against toxic masculinity!
Sources close to Penelope say she has always wanted the “princess treatment” from guys she’s dated, and in this case, she’s getting it in the form of trying to avoid being recognized in public.
“It’s thrilling,” said Penelope. “Plus, I’ve never felt more doted on in my life. He never lets me pay for stuff and also never pays himself, which saves us both money to potentially not spend on other stuff later! He sees us as true partners in crime, which I find very refreshing. We’re building an empire together.”
Sources say this “empire” is one of crime and that Penelope and her date are not welcome back at any establishment, ever.
In addition to never letting her pay, Penelope says her date is also incredibly chivalrous.
“He held the door open for me after we swiped a couple of mobile-order coffees from Starbucks. Such a gentleman! We even have cute little nicknames for each other: John and Theresa – the names that were on the coffees we stole! We decided they’ll be our alter egos if we ever need to create fake identities and flee the country.”
Aww, now that’s what a true equal partnership looks like!
At press time, Penelope and her date had finally gotten caught trying to dine and dash at a Michelin star restaurant, and were left to pay the enormous bill. However, Penelope’s date quickly informed her that he had “accidentally left his wallet at home,” asked if she could “foot the bill this one time,” and assured her that he would “totally Venmo her for his half later.”
