In a developing story out of the Minneapolis-Saint Paul International Airport, sources confirm that your dad has officially walked so far ahead of you that he has actually started a new family and life now.
Good for him!
“It was annoying when he was walking so fast we lost sight of him in the crowd,” you told reporters. “But I never expected for us to find him remarried and the proud new father to a beautiful baby boy.”
Your mother admits that she should have seen this development coming.
“He’s been doing this ever since we started dating,” she said. “First, it was just him refusing to carry my suitcase. Then, it was him leaving me behind at security in the name of tracking down the nearest Hudson News and spending seven more minutes sitting at the gate. And, now, it’s him abandoning me, our children, and the life we’ve spent the past 25 years building together while hauling his ass to gate G72.”
Do your thing, Daddy!
Witnesses confirm that your dad was spotted putting a down payment on a new house in San Clemente while dodging and weaving through the heavy airport foot traffic.
“He’s never even been to San Clemente!” you explained. “It’s just like, there are other ways to pass time in an airport, you know? Go buy a smutty paperback or something. Like an adult.”
Reporters were able to catch up with your dad before he boarded his newly rebooked, one-way flight to Los Angeles and ask him what motivated his decisions.
“There just comes a point when you have to move on,” he said. “Look, I love my family, but I couldn’t just wait around for them to catch up to me forever. I already bought three Slim Jims and got on the nerves of both gate agents. What else was there for me to do but get on with my new life?”
“Also,” he added. “They’re slow as hell with those rolling suitcases.”
At press time, your dad could be seen very distantly mobile ordering Starbucks and walking against the flow of foot traffic in the airport terminal, while his new family tried desperately to catch up to him.