In an unsurprising move, Caitlyn Graham has declared “New Year, New Me!” in an attempt to ignite a fresh start and lifestyle change in the New Year. However, everyone who knows Caitlyn knows she’s definitely about to fuck her ex-boyfriend again.
“I just want things to be different this year,” Caitlyn said. “I want to break all my bad habits, including hooking up with my ex. But at the same time I do wonder what he’s doing for New Years, you know? I mean, who doesn’t?”
According to sources close to the matter, Caitlyn and Tommy Cook dated for six months four years ago. They broke up because when Caitlyn asked for a commitment Tommy said he “just wanted some consistent sex for once.” The couple has since been on-again-off-again, with Caitlyn bargaining with herself each time that she’s totally fine with being in a casual open relationship.
“I’m excited for the New Year,” said Tommy. “It’s been two months since Caitlyn reached out to see me, so I imagine she’ll reach out any day now.”
Caitlyn maintains that this year will be different.
“I know everyone thinks I’m just going to run back into Tommy’s arms,” says Caitlyn. “But I’m not! But they are pretty strong and big so I’m actually not so sure anymore.”
Caitlyn’s friends are pretty used to her lofty New Years declarations.
“I don’t know why she keeps pretending,” says Alana Bernstein. “I’m like, girl, why are you doing this to yourself?
When asked if she was actively planning to pursue Tommy once again on January 2, Caitlyn said part of her New Year’s Resolution is to “go with the flow more.”
According to Caitlyn, the bikini wax Caitlyn scheduled for the first week of January has nothing to do with plans to revisit her past sexual partner.
“Oh she just wants to get her pubes ripped out by the root?” Caitlyn’s friend said. “Caitlyn is a planner. She’s planning on going back to Tommy again for mediocre sex and heartbreak.”
Caitlyn, however, plans to overhaul her personality this year. She says she hopes that she will pick up new hobbies, be more open to adventures, and worry less.
“I’m going to be different this year! Maybe he can be, too!” Caitlyn said.