In a new study out of Johns Hopkins University, a team of researchers has all but confirmed that yep, there’s something wrong with you for sure.
“While you’ve wondered for years if the thing that is going on with you is just kind of normal-person stuff or something actually wrong, our research has confirmed that there is definitely something fundamentally wrong with you,” says lead researcher, Dr. Angel Pickowicz. “You are tragically unique in this case, and our studies confirm that you are indeed damaged goods.”
This study was conducted over the course of 20 years, beginning with your early childhood and into adulthood, concluding that yeah, something big really fucked you up, but in a way that is somehow totally your fault.
“One of our most remarkable findings in this study is that you were just kind of born this way,” added Dr. Pickowicz. “Even your closest friends and family can see that there’s just something going on with you, they just think it’s too awkward to bring it up.”
While you’ve done countless hours of research and therapy that has shown you have similar problems to other people, and that you could be best served by being vulnerable and sharing your feelings with people who love you, this study pretty much confirms that you should probably just keep it all inside and let it slowly destroy you instead.
“Honestly, when we weren’t poring over the data, we were just kind of laughing at you,” says an assistant on the study. “Sometimes we got a little sad about it, but most days we all just kind of cracked open a few beers and thanked God it wasn’t us.”
Researchers suggest you should probably try to figure out what’s wrong with you at some point. While they have reached no conclusion as to what exactly it is, they have confirmed that it’s like, pretty fucking yikes.
