In a recent study out of Columbia University, scientists have isolated a dangerous new strain of male ego, which is up to ten times more fragile than the average male ego.
“Our research shows that this strain has mutated greatly from its original form,” said head researcher Dr. Theresa DeNiles. “The symptoms include an allergy to seeing women existing peacefully, an unwillingness to discuss their human emotions, and a phobic-level avoidance of washing their asses.”
“We’re worried that this could be the beginning of a full-blown, ultra-delicate male ego epidemic, and the results could be catastrophic,” she added.
Dr. Martin Fuchise, another researcher on the study, went on to explain how this new strain of male ego has become such an issue.
“At first, we only saw this strain infecting a small group of men who took video games or sports a little too seriously,” said Dr. Fuchise. “But now, it’s becoming more and more prevalent across the spectrum of men, regardless of age, background, or profession.”
“We’ve seen a particularly dramatic spike in its presence in men who belong to certain online communities, men who drive expensive sports cars or giant pickup trucks, and men who still wear t-shirts that say ‘Lock Her Up’,” he added. “We’re not sure on the correlation between those particular groups, but our team is hard at work to determine the connection.”
Many men across the nation seem unconcerned.
“I don’t care what some bitch scientists say about my manhood, I’m doing just fine,” said Paul Compos, a man suffering from the new strain.
“So they’re saying that being a real man is a disease now?” added Kevin O’Toole, another victim of the illness. “This is feminazi, politically correct, wussification of America bullshit!”
But scientists warn that this problem must be nipped in the bud.
“We’re throwing our resources into developing an updated vaccine for this new strain of fragility,” said Dr. DeNiles “But until then, it’s important that men keep their normal egos in check. Talk about your feelings, accept that some women will not be interested in you, acknowledge that there’s no national conspiracy against regular, respectful men.”
“And for god’s sake, please don’t play devil’s advocate,” she added. “The safety of our communities are dependent on it.”
