As the weather cools, days grow short, and outdoor socializing opportunities dwindle, the nation is preparing for what experts warn is sure to be a steep spike in COVID-themed Halloween costumes.
“I’m not trying to scare anyone, but I don’t want to sugarcoat it, either,” says Center for Disease Control and Prevention representative Brooke O’Reilly. “As soon as Thursday the 29th, you can expect to see a solid stream of Sexy Dr. Faucis on your feed. The wave should crest on the eve of the 31st, with a smaller but still significant number of cases posted the following afternoon once people have gotten through the worst of their hangovers.”
“To those asking why COVID-themed Halloween costume rates will begin to rise prior to Halloween itself, I would urge you to look to everything that’s happened in this country for the last nine months,” O’Reilly adds. “It’s because people are terrible.”
While the center projects a spike of Miss Rona, Trump Super Spreader, and Massive Group of Gay Men on a Private Island costumes is inevitable, they still urge Americans to do all they can to combat the spread.
“As always, our number one suggestion is that you stay home,” says O’Reilly. “If you leave your home at night during any stage of the Hallo-weekend or Hallo-prekend, you will be exposed to the most potent class of COVID-costume wearers: Those who have not only dressed up but are also going to a bar about it.”
“Otherwise, if you do dress up, we urge you to remember that you don’t need to have a topical Halloween costume,” O’Reilly adds. “You could just be a ghoul of some sort, or a vampire, or a bat, but please, please do not be the ‘bat that started COVID’. That sucks.”
Americans are encouraged to remember that their “clever” costume ideas are, in fact, exhausting and that only children and dogs in costumes bring anyone joy.
“Apart from that, we hope everyone just has a lot of safe, socially distanced fun,” says O’Reilly. “It might be your last chance before the actual second wave hits.”