We all know that hydration is one of the most important things in life, and to be frank, I am so hydrated on such a consistent basis that I am, without fail, pissing practically undiluted H2O. Of course, the emphasis on drinking enough water can lead to the harmful conflation of hydration with morality and self-discipline. That’s why I’m here to tell you that I’m on 64 ounces of agua a day, but I’m still a deeply bad person.
For many, it will be difficult to believe that someone who’s squirting Bahamas-Atlantic-Ocean-clear liquid out of their urethra every hour could be bad, but trust me: It’s true. Why just today I walked past a gorgeous pair of wellies (rain boots, I say “wellies” because I’m an anglophile, and yes it’s because of Harry Potter). Anyway, there’s a sign that says free, so I take a look at these pristine wellies, and see that they’re not my size. And you know what I did then? I threw them in the trash, and I walked up to my apartment and drank a big, room-temperature glass of water.
So yeah, you can be hydrated beyond reproach and a terrible person. We exist!!
Some people “forget” to drink water. Not me. I have a big bottle that I always fill up, always finish, and wash every night so the mouth doesn’t smell like bog. Yet it is also true that I offered to babysit my niece, shaved her head, forged some child cancer documents, and signed her up with the Make a Wish Foundation just so that I could meet Wolf Blitzer. Wolf Blitzer!! I’m not even a fan. I just wanted to ask him why his name is Wolf, and yeah, I could have Googled it. So maybe think about my bald niece who had to make awkward small talk with Wolf Blitzer at a Quiznos (my choice) next time you go to blindly exalt someone for staying hydrated? It wouldn’t kill you!
The expectation to be an angelic, perfect creature just because I piss Kodi Smit-McPhee’s skin light and clear takes a massive toll on me. Just yesterday I was saying to my coworker “I’m an avid water drinker, not a saint!” and she was like “That’s irrelevant! I know it was you who ran over my foot in the parking lot. I know your car. We see each other every day. You have to pay my hospital bill.” I mean stereotype upon stereotype. When will we be free?
So try, if you can, to cleave open your narrow little mind and remember that just because someone’s urine looks like holy water doesn’t mean they’re not a dreadful human being. And don’t reach out to me if you’re a freak who wants to be peed on either. I don’t have a problem with it; I just don’t like making people happy. Adieu!