In exciting news for a certain peanut chocolate bar and the bisexual community at large, it’s just been announced that Mr. Goodbars are bi culture, according to a desperate and panic-stricken Hershey Company representative.
“If you’re a friend of Aubrey Plaza, then you probably also love a certain little candy that’s just a Hershey’s chocolate bar with peanuts in it,” laughs a wide-eyed and shaky Sam Helmes, lead of the Mr. Goodbar account. “I’m talking about Mr. Goodbar, of course, which is bi culture AF.”
“Much like cuffing your jeans and thinking all girls are pretty, Mr. Goodbar is very, very bi culture,” Helmes adds, sweating through tweed. “So you should all buy one! Or should I say, ‘bi’ one. I do need this.”
While Mr. Goodbars have been falling behind in popularity and sales since the day they were invented, Helmes claims that has nothing to do with the sudden push to brand them as bi culture.
“Well, this just isn’t about my job or my triplet sons’ ability to go to college being on the line, I didn’t even say any of that was the case,” says Helmes. “This is about Mr. Goodbars being the epitome of bi culture, plain and simple.”
“And it’s not as though I came up with this,” Helmes adds. “This is as old as time. I think there was a big Mr. Goodbar paper trail of all this on Tumblr in the 2000s, but you know, a lot of that stuff got deleted when they banned pornography. I’m not lying.”
Despite Helmes insistence, some bisexuals feel Hershey is attempting to exploit the community.
“You have to consider that historically bi identity is so closely entwined with gay identity and culture, and then you add onto that the exclusion and erasure bi people face from those very communities, and it makes sense that you have a group eager for some sort of cohesive, group-binding mythology or identity formation,” says Grace Wu. “But as a bi person, I want to see a culture based around transformative values and inclusion, not arbitrary products.”
But Helmes assures us that’s all nonsense.
“Not claiming Mr. Goodbar actually is exclusionary, in a way,” says Helmes, really doubling down. “In fact, Mr. Goodbar himself might have been bi. He sounds sort of bi, right? Mr. Goodbar. Like a sexy, bi attorney. And he has a cane. Or, shoot, am I thinking of Mr. Peanut now?”
“All I know for sure, is Mr. Goodbar is bi culture and that’s tea,” adds Helmes. “And if that means my boss stops blaming me for the failure of an already neglected candy bar, and the triplets get to row crew at Berkeley even though they didn’t get scholarships because they’re not very good at it, then so be it.”
You heard it here first, bi’s! Time to grab an iced coffee and…a Mr. Goodbar.
