In a story unfolding in your kitchen, your mom is extremely concerned that if you get a tattoo, you will have a hard time getting the kind of job that would make you miserable every day.
“Now you’ll never be able to get a job as a financial analyst or personal injury lawyer!” she said, when you told her about your plan to get a small line tattoo on your forearm. “You’re gonna be living on the streets!”
Sources confirm you have never expressed interest in either of these jobs and would likely experience severe depression if you had to do them.
“What if you wake up tomorrow and want to work at your uncle’s funeral service? What then?” she continued, somehow posing an even less likely hypothetical.
Reporters at the scene confirmed you currently work in publishing, the type of job where it literally does not matter how you look, and if anything, a tattoo will only help your career.
You’ve tried to convey this to your mom, who is now crying real tears over the idea that you might not get hired as a tax accountant at a Big Four firm. Sources verified that you studied Romance Languages and Literatures at Vassar, and will need a minimum of five years’ experience to pivot into the type of industry she is describing even if you wanted to, which – to be 100% clear – you don’t.
She is convinced this tattoo will lead down the slipperiest of slippery slopes, one that ends in you being jobless, living in a sewer, and having no marriage prospects. Sources confirm you are making great money and have no plans to leave the job you love for any of the jobs that she’s listed, all of which you hate.
“I’m doing my best to empathize,” you told reporters. “But now she’s worried that this tattoo will preclude me from a lengthy career as an international arbitration consultant, three words I didn’t realize she knew and I honestly had to Google myself.”
This reaction does have precedent: She responded similarly to your stud nose piercing, the type of body modification that literally everyone is okay with now.
At press time, your mom made you promise not to get any large tattoos on your neck or face, which you hadn’t mentioned at all. You also heard her whispering under her breath that you can always get the tattoo removed when you decide to pursue portfolio investing at Morgan Stanley.
