In a perplexing story unfolding around the dinner table, your mom is currently surprised that the relatives she moved away from and ultimately never wanted anything to do with are, as a result, not that important to you.
“Oh! Your Aunt Shelley’s daughter Madeline just graduated from high school,” your mom began, seemingly bringing this shit up out of nowhere, having not mentioned Aunt Shelley in about 13 years. “You should send Madeline a note on her Facebook page! You guys were always close.”
Ignoring the fact that any reasonable 18-year-old would not currently have a Facebook account, you countered that you’ve barely met Madeline, barely met Aunt Shelley, and have, frankly, not heard any of these names in years.
“There’s no way that’s true,” your mom countered, as if she did not deliberately move out of Dallas to get away from the very family to which she is referring. “You and Madeline were so close when you were five and she was a baby!”
According to reports, you do not remember this at all – likely because you were five – and it’s highly unlikely Madeline would remember you either, considering she was a baby. Still, this has not stopped your mom from insisting none of this is the result of proximity.
“It’s just such a shame you don’t feel closer to that side of the family considering you guys are pretty close in age,” your mom continued, as if she didn’t move you away from that side of the family lest you form any real bond. “And also, you both have brown hair, so you assume that sort of thing would really bring you together.”
“We just don’t really have that much in common or see each other ever,” you responded, dancing around the subject lightly. “Which is totally fine! It just means we’re not super close.”
“WHAT?” your mom yelled, aghast. “We see them all the time! Sure, we don’t live close anymore, but we see them practically constantly.”
Sources confirm this is a weird way to refer to “once every 10 years for a lunch.”
As of press time, you had decided to assuage the situation by telling your mom you would post a “Congratulations!” on Madeline’s Facebook page but mentally deciding you would definitely not be doing that.
