Last week on a call with her mother, 25-year-old Laura Strauss remained on the phone for a full 40 minutes past when she first said, “Alright Mom, I’ve got to get going…” when she was bombarded with the latest news from around town.
Strauss was alarmed by the ease with which her mother was able to recall things she suddenly needed to say the minute before Strauss hung up. However, further investigation revealed that Strauss’s mother, Barbara, had actively been plotting a list of news items to bring up when it looked like their phone call might be on its last legs.
Barbara’s list of news began early in the week when she went through her emails to find out what was going on with every single cousin in the family. She created a cheat sheet to quickly update Laura on each family weirdo. As soon as Laura thought she’d heard it all, “Oh! Jeremy started another fire,” kept her on the line.
The amount of research clearly showed evidence of a premeditated attempt to keep Strauss on the phone as long as possible.
After a few more attempts to hang up, Barbara exclaimed, “You’ll never believe this brand new Thai restaurant I discovered!” Apparently that Tuesday, Barbara had tried “the new Thai restaurant that opened where the pizza place where you clogged the bathroom toilet used to be.”
Strauss suspects her mother went to this Thai restaurant just to make news she could share with her daughter because Barbara hates Thai food.
As Laura paid a bill online and let her mom continue to talk, Barbara once again brought up the fact that the neighbors across the street with the loud motorcycles are finally moving away.
“Who cares where they’re going, as long as it’s far away from here,” Barbara explained for the second time.
When called out for repeating herself, Barbara added that she just wanted to say she would also love, “A fun gay couple with a nice garden to move in,” which is a statement Barbara clearly made up just to to keep Strauss on the line.
Finally, just when Strauss announced she absolutely had to go because her yoga class was starting, Barbara added, “Oh! The water heater started acting up this week.” Barbara was now just trying to invent news out of thin air by looking for plumbing problems around the house.
As for next week’s phone call, it looks like Barbara already has a list started with “The dog has a new color collar” at number one, while Strauss has planned at least 20 extra minutes for the phone call.
