Men Only Interested in Moon When They Can Be Toxic About It

In an unsurprising story out of The National Aeronautics and Space Administration, it appears that men are only interested in the Earth’s moon when they can be super toxic and possessive about it.


This news comes in the wake of NASA administrator Bill Nelson claiming that China is trying to take over the moon and Zhao Lijian being like, “No, we’re not; you are.”


“Obviously, the moon doesn’t ‘belong’ to anyone,” says a lunar scientist Dr. Pooja Agarwal. “But vibe-wise, it belongs to occultists, lesbians, sea creatures glistening at the surface of a midnight tide, and girlies in general.”


“So, we’re right to be incredulous when men suddenly start showing an interest in the moon,” Dr. Agarwal adds. “I mean, Americans already planted a flag on her, which is about as a déclassé as it gets, but now we’re doing the whole anticommunism pissing contest again, and it’s like, can’t we leave her out of it this time?”



Research confirms that people of marginalized genders love the moon because she’s gorgeous, secretive, and powerful yet gentle.


“I’ve tried to talk about the moon with straight men before and they don’t appreciate her at all,” says Caro Rodriguez. “Whether it’s tarot, moon signs, a blood moon, or simply looking up at the night’s sky with a little awe and wonder, they don’t give a shit.”


“But as soon as they can ‘discover’ some new part of the moon, make weird space laws about it, and use it as part of the imperial project, they can’t get enough,” Caro adds. “So I don’t really want to hear shit about space NATO or going to the moon’s south pole. It’s all already there, whether you step on it or not, and why do you even want to except to say that you have?”


When reached for comment, the moon remained silent, but gave a look that clearly communicated, “The moon knows no nation, no petty squabble, and no man.”