According to a report emerging from your bedroom, the guy you’re spending the night with just fell asleep in three seconds flat, which suggests he simply does not have a lot going on up there, mentally.
Sources confirm this is the first time your current situationship, Tyler Melville, has spent the night, so you weren’t sure what to expect when it came to the sleeping arrangement. It typically takes you about 30 minutes of deep breathing and mindfulness to fall asleep, but it seems to have taken Tyler about as long as an infant.
“I’m just surprised he can sleep so deeply and so fast,” you told reporters at full speaking volume, unafraid of waking Tyler up considering he was clearly knocked out cold. “Does he not have the worries that keep him up at night? Or the fears?”
Reporters confirm it appears Tyler has neither the worries nor the fears. He even goes as far as not having the memories to keep him up, either.
“He doesn’t even have ‘the memories’? You lucky bastard,” you continued, lightly tapping Tyler’s face, which only seemed to send him further into sleep. “I feel like it takes me 15 minutes to stop worrying that I’ve left the door unlocked, then another 15 to stop reliving every embarrassing moment from 2016 to 2019.”
While scientists maintain that falling asleep fast doesn’t necessarily mean you’re stupid, they can’t quite rule it out.
“There’s no correlation between intelligence and the amount of time it takes someone to fall asleep, generally,” said sleep researcher Ophelia Banks. “But in this specific case, it seems like this guy doesn’t have much going on up there, if you know what I mean. If he can turn it off so easily, was anything ever really on?”
Reporters had to admit this was a great question.
“Naturally, I don’t wish sleeping difficulty on anyone,” you told reporters. “I’m just saying that I do respect people more when they have it.”
You conceded that not being able to fall asleep sucks, and you’re happy that Tyler can just hit the pillow and shut off his thoughts, or rather, his thought (singular).
Sources confirm by the time you finally fell asleep, Tyler had entered his fifth R.E.M. cycle and was snoring at a decibel level that shook the bed.
