In a story that will certainly inspire others to dream far beyond their abilities, 23-year-old James Lockett, who just confidently said he “can’t stand small talk” while on a date with you, thinks he can handle a threesome.
Aww! Adorable!
Sources confirm when you arrived on the date and asked James how his day went, he shook his head dramatically and replied, “I just can’t stand that small talk stuff. I find it really hard to connect with people that way.” He then asked you if “you’re prepared for your parents to die,” which was objectively much worse than any small talk you had ever experienced.
After barely listening to your answer, James interjected, “I think I’d be great at threesomes,” which was not the topic of discussion at all.
“Wait a second,” you told reporters while outside taking a fake smoke break to get away from him. “Does he not realize that threesomes require a lot more interpersonal dexterity than small talk? If he can’t do small talk, he certainly cannot handle a threesome.”
Dr. Josephine Ahmed, who studies intimacy, confirmed your assessment of the situation.
“First of all, we’ve done a bunch of research, and turns out threesomes are almost entirely about small talk,” she told reporters. “About 80% of a threesome is spent asking common small talk questions like, ‘Do you like that?’ and, ‘Who is your daddy?’ Anyone who struggles with this base level of interaction is going to have a really difficult time making love to not only one but two people. Also, it sounds like this guy sucks.”
Back at dinner, James had doubled down on his belief in his own sexual prowess. Sources confirm you never once asked about any of this, and you were visibly not enjoying it, the type of cues it would be helpful to pick up on – for example – if someone was having a threesome.
“It’s just really easy for me to curate and carry a vibe,” he said. This did ring true, as he was currently curating a carrying a rancid one.
For the remainder of the dinner, James brought the concept of a threesome up six more times and never once asked you what you do for work.
As of press time, you’d said goodnight to James, dodged a wet kiss in favor of a stiff, awkward hug, and started drafting a text about how it wasn’t going to work out between you two.
