In unsurprising yet deeply annoying news, Cleveland resident Jared Warner is pretty angry about society’s developing consciousness of race, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, and disabilities, despite having never had any one of his own rights up for debate in a landmark Supreme Court decision.
According to Warner, “woke cancel culture” is ruining the very society that inherently granted and protected him with every conceivable right and never once forced him to justify his personhood.
“It’s like my white skin color is being weaponized against me to call me racist,” yelled Warner only minutes before another devastating hate crime fueled by racist stereotyping was committed. “It’s almost harder to be a straight cis white man than it is to be anyone else in America.”
Jared is pretty darn angry considering “being called racist” is admittedly the worst thing that has ever happened to him.
“One time I was talking to him about how Clarence Thomas, John Roberts, Samuel Alito, Neil Gorsuch, and Brett Kavanaugh all decided that I was no longer entitled to free birth control coverage through work so we had to be more careful, and he flipped out on me in public,” shared his ex-girlfriend Bryn Nichols. “I don’t get it. Like, he could not even vote anymore and life would still be awesome for him.”
Nevertheless, Warner, who does not know what the terms “gender-based discrimination” or “ICE” mean, maintains his self-proclaimed status as a victim in America, where his right to vote has never been stripped away by a Conservative justice’s technical doctrine or other voter-suppression measure.
“I’m not some white supremacist. I ride the bus to work just like everyone else,” he argued, referencing a public transit system with a history of not being accessible to everyone.
“The worst is that you can’t even talk about it without everyone waging war against you,” Warner shared at his workplace, which has provided him with a full health coverage plan that never denied him any care due to his identity.
When informed by his patient coworker that it was only last year when the Supreme Court ruled employees couldn’t be discriminated against due to their sexual orientation or gender identity, he didn’t even blink.
At press time, he went off on cash reparations for Black Americans and how diversity and inclusion plans aren’t even that diverse or inclusive of people like him.