In a developing story out of Portland, ME, 29-year-old Wes Orbach has been confirmed to have what can only be called a beard that was made for pussy eatin’.
“I don’t really understand what it is about his beard,” said Lindsey Walker, a barista at the coffee shop Wes frequents. “But it absolutely gives off the vibe that he likes eating pussy and does it well.”
Several witnesses to Wes’s facial hair confirm that it is, in fact, of the pussy-eatin’ variety.
“It’s like this combination of full and well-groomed,” explained Moira Jones, who goes to the same gym Wes does. “I can’t really put my finger on it. But it’s evident to anyone who looks at him that he definitely goes down and he takes his time when doing so.”
“Oh yeah that dude for sure loves to eat pussy,” said Langston O’Reilly, who lives in Wes’s apartment building. “I’m a straight guy and I can even recognize that. Do you see that beard? His girlfriend must be really happy.”
“It’s inexplicable,” explained Katherine Wexler, Wes’s dentist. “And of course, I could never say this to him without a harassment charge. But I’ve been up close and personal with his face and beard and I can verify: Wes eats pussy like it’s going out of style.”
“I wonder if he’s single,” she added.
This is apparently news to Wes.
“My beard is just a regular beard,” he said. “I just trim and oil it.”
Sources confirm that yep, that’s a pussy-eatin’ beard alright.
“I guess I’m not pissed about it,” Wes added. “But just to be clear, I am single and I do eat pussy.”
