The time immediately following an emergency amputation may be disorienting, bleak, and painful, but that’s no excuse to amputate your online presence! With the following tips, even the most severely deformed amputee can maintain a fun and fancy-free Internet façade. Just five minutes a day online will leave tons of time for you to rebuild the rubble that is your life and imagine a world post circular-saw accident.
Twitter: The majority of people tend to lose track of current news and pop culture after losing an appendage. Tsk, tsk. You’re laying around immobile with nothing to do, aren’t you? Hop onto Twitter, binge-watch some Game of Thrones and hashtag your opinions with the best of ‘em. As you live-tweet The Bachelorette, none of your followers will know that your sister is softly crying as she changes the blood-soaked dressings on your stump.
Foursquare: Did you know you can check yourself in to the hottest spots in town, even if you’re just near them? Use this tech-savvy trick to your newly-handicapped advantage: you’re in Columbus Circle at a surgeon’s office getting fitted for a prosthetic leg that will take twelve months to learn how to walk on, but on Foursquare you’re across the street getting the tasting menu at Per Se. Bon Appetit!
Facebook: Use your status update to put a truthful yet cheery spin on daily events. For example, instead of: “Lost my arm…☹,” update friends with: “Lost 8 pounds! ☺” Because you did, didn’t you? You just lost eight pounds worth of bones, flesh, and blood. Don’t feel guilty as the ‘likes’ come pouring in; you’ll need all the affirmation you can get once you tell Grandma that you’ll never paint again.
Instagram: Snap some hot selfies. After all, it’s not like you had your head amputated because then you’d be dead, silly! Do your makeup (or have it done for you, hand amputees), don a funky necklace, and choose the perfect filter to mask the pure sadness in your eyes. Be careful of background when shooting: you don’t want to capture the sad, dingy hospital walls or your boyfriend’s look of despair in continuing your relationship.
Pinterest: Turn your life-altering travesty into the hottest trend! People are always pinning the latest in tattoos and piercings; blow them right out of the water with your amputation de rigueur. Make severed fingers the new black with your own custom gloves, and you’ll be getting re-pinned faster than we can say, “phantom limb pain”!
By staying positive and tech-savvy you can turn your devastating loss into a #blessing in disguise! And remember there are worse things in life than your debilitating limb loss—you didn’t get a gross C-section scar!
