In a disappointing story out of Scarsdale, NY, 29-year-old Jewish woman Noa Clemons has googled the start date of Passover for the fifth time this week.
“Yes, my mother told me when Passover started a while back, and yes, I pretended that I already knew,” Clemons said. “But does that mean I should remember the date off the top of my head, days later? All things considered, probably!”
Clemons considers herself “culturally Jewish more than anything.”
Sources confirm this means she will keep Kosher for the first three days of Passover before “being kind to herself” by eating a slice of pizza. She will then use this transgression an excuse to eat leavened bread every day for the following five, given that she’s “already broken it so might as well.”
Clemons, who does fast on Yom Kippur as long as she doesn’t get too hungry and will attend services if at least one cute guy from her high school is going, has slowly escalated her Google searches from “When does Passover start?” to “Passover this week?” and finally, “Passover yesterday?”
Sources confirm it would save her time to just keep the tab open on Google for when this inevitably happens again.
“It’s a phenomenon that’s much more common than you’d think,” said Dr. Rebecca Greene, lead researcher at the Harvard Semitic Institute. “It seems this youngest generation of Jews could not tell you when Passover is to save their fucking lives, and that’s a statistical observation.”
Defending herself against allegations from her dad that not knowing the start date of Passover is antisemitic, Clemons argued that it is “actually very Semitic.”
“Name a single Jewish person who knows when Passover starts,” she told her father smugly. “I’ll wait.”
Within one minute, he had named 15 of their family friends and each of their children, who had also remembered to book their flights home before tickets got expensive.
“I am sorry to those I have offended by having no idea when the Jewish holidays fall. I am living and learning,” Clemons told reporters, even though she was clearly not learning and inexplicably googled “Passover??????” again two minutes later.
