It’s 2016. Are We Really Still Not Having Sex With Me?

It’s 2016, and society has made great strides. We have the technology and medicine to save more lives than ever before; we’ve sent spacecraft to Mars; yet with all the progress we have made, are we really still not having sex with me?


Really, America?


It’s time to get real about the fact that it’s 2016 and nobody has had even attempted to ask, “Hey, wanna go back to my place?” Because if they had the courage to ask, you know what? I’d say yes. Not having sex with me is so last decade, when I had weird hair and had a hard time with eye contact. Are we still living in the past? Wake up!


Even in this time of great progress, with gay marriage legal in every state, many of us still have to explain to people that sex isn’t a shameful thing, or a thing to be avoided in conversation; nor is it a thing to be avoided specifically, especially with me. So why is it that people are still stuck in the past and completely refusing to have sex with me? People are so completely backwards.



If you think that progress is part of what makes America a great nation, you should be actively finding someone who would do me. Even if I’m not their type.


Come on, people. It’s about time.


Think about it: people are having sex all over the world right now. Yet we, as a country, are light years behind in the race for having sex with me. It’s also still unbelievable that in the year 2016, men are still paying for first dates. I am very willing to pay for a first date, if you would have sex with me.


Don’t you want to be an agent of change, challenging norms and pushing us into the future?


Our colleges and universities talk up a big game about how they’re preparing us for the future, and yet none of them have followed through on the implied promise that I–a college grad–would eventually get laid. As of July 2016, nearly 0% of people have even considered having sex with me. Clearly the commitment doesn’t match the rhetoric, and I’m not going to just sit here and accept that.


I mean, it’s the current year, and soon it will be another year more! Do we really want to look back on the history books and see that it took until 2017 for me to get laid? It’s a terrifying prospect. It’s time to get over it and just have sex with me, okay?


With all that’s been done in the past, it’s important to recognize that we are still not doing enough. We should be working to form a coalition of people willing to have sex with me by 2017. Do it for me, and the nation, and definitely, most notably, for me.