In an official statement released yesterday, Israeli military officials have said that they will absolutely enact a ceasefire the second they run out of rockets.
“We have pledged our commitment to stop dropping bombs on Gaza once we physically run out of bombs to drop,” said a spokesperson for the Israeli military. “Once we get through all the rockets, we’ll take a little pause. We will pick back up right where we left off the moment we get more rockets, though.”
Israeli officials said that while they were “still pretty solid” in terms of their rocket supply and had actually been receiving more rockets from the U.S. at “an almost overwhelming rate,” there was still technically potential for a ceasefire if all their rockets disappeared in, like, some sort of freak glitch in the matrix type scenario or something.
While advocates for the de-escalation of Israeli’s military forces claim this “isn’t good enough” and is actually a “overtly implausible scenario,” Israeli military officials have held firm in their position.
“Everyone keeps being like ‘ceasefire this, ceasefire that’ and it’s like, we’re getting there, okay?” one military official told reporters. “Just give us 25 more days of relentless, indiscriminate military strikes, plus an unspecified number of days after that because I can’t stress enough how quickly we’re being supplied with new bombs.”
“In the time we’ve been talking, our military just dropped 12 more bombs on Gaza,” another military official added, unprompted.
Israeli military officials added that if people really wanted a ceasefire, they’d actually be calling for them to pick up the pace of the bombings.
“I don’t think people understand how many bombs we have to burn through,” they said. “For every bomb we drop, we receive 15 more. We’re really going to have to increase our rate if we want to make any sort of dent in them.”
When asked if they would consider enacting a ceasefire now, and allow humanitarian aid to enter Gaza, the Israeli officials looked visibly confused.
“And not drop the bombs? Wait, sorry, so in this scenario you’re suggesting, we have bombs to drop, but for some reason we’re not dropping them? Sorry, I think I’m misunderstanding you.”
When the reporter responded that the official had understood them correctly and that a ceasefire was not only necessary, but highly time-sensitive, the official just restated their earlier position.
“Look, if we have the bombs, we’re going to drop them. Dropping bombs is all we know. We love dropping bombs and, more specifically, dropping them on things.”
However, when asked to confirm that their bombs were the ones that hit hospitals and churches, killing thousands of innocent civilians, the official immediately pivoted, saying, “Our bombs haven’t actually hit anything, we just drop them in open fields and stuff. That was Hamas, probably.”
