Chicago resident Anna Welch, 28, has the uncanny ability to make a simple statement of fact sound like an attempted murder. That’s right—by uttering those three magic words, “It’s my birthday,” Anna strikes unadulterated fear into the hearts of friends and family.
Is she telling us she just completed another trip around the sun, or growling, “One more goddamn word…” while pressing a knife against our throats? It’s hard to tell!
Anna’s colleague, Cammie Bryan, can attest first-hand to the casual terror this birthday girl wreaks.
“This morning we were trying to decide where to go to lunch,” Cammie says. “And Anna cut in with something about her birthday and I swear it sounded like, ‘My daddy taught me to skin a rabbit and bitch, I will do the same to you.’”
Upon reviewing their company’s security footage, Cammie learned Welch merely said, “Haha, but it’s my birthday, I get to choose!”
Anna’s mother has learned to cope with her daughter’s verbal superpower.
“She’s done this since she was a little girl—it’s just like magic,” she says. “Of course, I know it’s just her birthday. I know she doesn’t want to gut me.” Mrs. Welch says. “But every time she says so, she could fucking fool me!”
Friends say Welch is a pacifist every other day of the year. But when November 15 rolls around, she leaves all who cross her path ghost-faced and slack-jawed after looking them ominously, whispering through gritted teeth about who ordered the birthday cake.
Haley Connors, an attendee of Anna’s birthday dinner, is learning to live with it.
“When we went to dinner, I went for the last booth seat, and Anna worked her magic again!” Haley remembers. “A gentle, teasing, ‘It’s my birthday, I get the booth!’ kicked my fight or flight reaction into gear.”
Witnesses say she dialed 911 into her phone, but couldn’t muster the courage to call.
Is Anna reminding us that it’s her special day, or saying she wants to wear our skin as a suit? Who knows! It’s absolutely indistinguishable to us.
Talk about a girl who gets what she wants. You go, girl!
