I like to think that I’m self-aware enough to know when I’m doing something impolite – that’s something my mother instilled in me a long time ago. And that’s why I want you to know that I’m not trying to be rude right now as I’m texting right in the middle of our conversation. I’m actually texting because I’d rather be hanging out with the people I’m texting instead of you right now.
You’re a smart person, so I’m sure you understand.
You see, it’s not that I’m trying to make a point or passive-aggressively prove that you’re not as fun as these people I’m texting, it’s just that you’re objectively not as fun as these people I’m texting. They’re like, very cool and you are simply okay. I can tell you appreciate this kind of “real talk” by the way you’re staring at me like I’m doing something rude, even though all I’m really doing is looking for the ‘bored woman’ emoji on the emoji keyboard. That must exist, right? It should. I’m soooo bored.
And don’t get me wrong – my intention is not to make you feel bad. My intention is to leave this bar as soon as I possibly can to go hang out with cooler, more fascinating people than you. Please don’t take it personally! But just to be crystal clear: you are less worthy of my attention than this hilarious and nuanced group text about which type of dog is better.
In the end, I want you to know that I value you as a friend and don’t want to come off as rude in any way. I want to come off as the person who will let you know how much you mean to me based on how many times I check my phone during our conversation. And that’s exactly what I’m doing here. Please, don’t take this the wrong way: No matter what you do, you will never be as interesting as the people I’m texting who are not in the room. Anyway, we should hang out soon!