I Wish I Could Just Be a Lesbian So I Could Ruin That Relationship Too

Ugh, men! I’ve been so sick of dating them, that I’ve recently started wishing I could be a lesbian! Don’t get me wrong; I know sexuality is not a choice. But if it was, I would definitely choose to date women right about now so I could fuck up my relationships with them, too.


Seriously, lesbians are so lucky. They don’t have to deal with the emotional incompetency of shitty dudes, their lack of emotional intelligence or willingness to communicate. That’s why I wish I could marry my lifelong best friend Margaret, so I could become irrationally convinced she’s cheating and I breach her trust and completely destroy our relationship like I always do—but this time, it’ll be with a woman.


If only! You lesbians have it so good.


It would also be so much easier to get laid if I could spend dates doing what girls love to do! We could just hang around, do mani/pedis, fuck, and then go to brunch. And then eventually go through her phone while she’s in the shower because I think she’s texting other girls romantically, and it’s massive violation, and everyone gets hurt and it gets brought up over and over again until we ultimately break up. You hear that, men? You’re on notice!!



Maybe I’m oversimplifying things, but I would love an easy, uncomplicated relationship with a woman! No weird gender dynamics or issues with control. I’m assuming girls don’t do the sorts of things that guys do, because they’re girls. But what I won’t assume is that you’re not cheating on me or saying something that you don’t really mean. Sorry, lady, I’m going to be making your life a nightmare. That’s just what I do!


So lesbian ladies, if anyone wants to “turn” me, this door is open! Whether you want to rock my world or just explain the complex nature of sex and intimacy to me, you’ll definitely find out that I’m a terrible person to date!


I’m just saying sometimes I fantasize about the day I can dreamily resent an ex-girlfriend just as much as I’ve resented my ex-boyfriends. Everything would be so much better that way, I just know it!