Guys love getting handjobs, so it’s always a good idea to brush up on your technique. Now that I actually have a boyfriend (He’s real!!! We made it official last week!), I decided to test out these handjob moves that I saw on another website.
The Squid Squeeze
Grasp his manhood firmly, like you’re trying to draw the last remnants out of a tube of toothpaste. I attempted this move on my boyfriend, Paul, who volunteered (I made him!!!) to be my guinea pig because he is my boyfriend. It’s so nice to finally have someone to do this kind of stuff with!!!
Paul’s Prognosis: “Ow! What are you doing? Are you sure this is for work? Please don’t mention me in your article.” [Ed. Note: Paul is his real name and he works at a publishing company!]
The Fast and the Furious
The intense friction created by this move will feel really great on his penis, just like how it feels really great to finally be in a relationship. After a while (for me it was around the four-year mark), you start to think there might be something wrong with you, you know? But I’m out of that now. Thank god. Anyway, yeah, just really yank it hard.
Paul’s Prognosis: “It’s okay. You don’t need to do this. I can just do it myself.” [Ed. Note: Awww! I love my boyfriend.]
The Manual Labor
I was hoping this would get him to cum from a handjob, but now I don’t think Paul can do that. We ended up watching Mad Men. Even though he’s seen them all already, he said he doesn’t mind watching them with me while I catch up. He’s really considerate like that. I don’t need to be touching his penis every minute to know that he’s there for me!
Paul’s Prognosis: “Babe, just stop for a minute.” [Ed. Note: Double awww! How often do you meet a guy who loves cuddling even more than he loves handjobs? We’re perfect together.]
The Vulcan Nerve Pinch
Pinch the base of your boyfriend’s shaft, assuming you have a boyfriend. I have a boyfriend, so it makes sense that my mind would just naturally go there. I’m so smitten with him! Sometimes when you have a boyfriend (like I do), it’s hard to remember that some people don’t have boyfriends. If you like not having a boyfriend, that’s totally fine; it’s just not for me.
Paul’s Prognosis: “Did you actually think this would feel good?” [Ed. Note: My boyfriend is such a good communicator.]
The Iron Fist
Using the tightest grip possible, twist your boyfriend’s penis in an up-and-down motion. Not to harp on it, but I really don’t know what I would’ve done if I hadn’t met Paul! Like you know there’s nothing wrong with you, but maybe there is because otherwise wouldn’t someone have asked you out by now? But anyway it’s fine because now I have a guy! He is sooo cute. Also, use spit on this one.
Paul’s Prognosis: “Can’t you just give me a blow job? You’re better at those.” [Ed. Note: Sure thing, Mr. Tiddlywinks! (That’s what I call him. He’s so cute when he’s telling me not to call him that!)]
Well, there you have it! Handjob tricks that your boyfriend will love just as much as Paul loves me (even though he hasn’t actually said it yet—but I know he will eventually)!
