So you have at least five guy friends, right? While there is not overt sexual chemistry between any of you right now, there will be once you artificially create it! You’re not getting any younger, and you’re not exactly meeting tons of new people, so you’ve gotta work with what you’ve got. Here are your top five friends to manufacture sexual chemistry with in 2016:
Trevor, Your Most Professionally Successful Friend
Trevor is your most professionally successful friend. Since graduation, Trevor went directly into cable news and has risen to the top of his profession. And while he is very driven and serious, and that is not you at all, and you two don’t really connect on much, and conversations with him mostly involve you listening to him brag, you’ve often thought that he’s good looking enough that you could probably sleep with him if the mood were right. So why not playfully touch his arm and start manufacturing sexual chemistry with him in 2016.
Michael, Your Newest Friend
Michael is a new friend and he has that new friend glow where you’re not like “ugh I’m so sick of Michael’s whining” yet. And let’s be honest: He is so, so, so incredibly hot! Sure, you can’t quite explain why he’s so awesome to other people who don’t know what he looks like. But when you see his beaming blue eyes and ripped body, you are like, “Let’s just make this mistake, for now.” And something will happen between you, because you’ve been careful not to ask him much about why he’s so into cars.
Stan, Your Least Professionally Successful Friend
Stan is your poorest, most artistic friend. You have no respect for him. But he is around a lot. You guys have almost crossed the friendship-relationship barrier many times in the years leading up to 2016. Also you just want something to work out and Stan is definitely around.
Rodney, Your Sorta Friend
Rodney is your fringe friend who you have only talked to in three-minute increments. He seems like he’s been really into you lately—he added you on various social media sites and told a mutual friend he was interested—but also, you can’t talk to him for more than three minutes before wanting to drift away. You’re thinking Rodney might be a better long-play for 2017, but you’ll add him to the top five 2016 list because you need five and he’s sort of a wildcard.
Brian, the One Who hasn’t Gotten Away Yet
Brian has always been The One. And while he might live 3,000 miles away, you constantly say “that’s nothing in this new age of travel and technology” because sometimes he’ll message you “what’s up” on Facebook. You’ve been banking on Brian reciprocating your feelings since the summer of 2009 and, while it hasn’t happened yet, you just know that 2016 is going to be your year to get him to feel what you’ve been feeling.
These five friends will make perfect bored-crushes for the coming year. Or, if they don’t, you can just hook up with your shitty ex again. 2016!