After years of declaring how much she loves the warm summer months, it has finally become clear that what 27-year-old Natasha Wilder loves isn’t summer at all, but rather the act of sitting in a heavily air-conditioned room.
“I absolutely love summer!” Natasha told reporters for the fifth time in 15 minutes. “It just feels so ripe with possibility.”
However, when asked to describe what “possibility” she was speaking of, Natasha only mentioned going places and doing activities where she would be blasted by cold air the entire time.
“There’s no time like summer to sit in my apartment, crank the AC to high, and just watch it drip,” Natasha explained. “I also love going to movies, restaurants, and indoor farmers’ markets.”
Sources confirmed that by “indoor farmers’ markets,” she meant “grocery stores.”
While those close to Natasha have expressed that everything she likes about summer could be achieved in literally any other season, she disagrees.
“There’s something particularly amazing about going from being really sweaty and hot to being hit by a wave of air that’s almost uncomfortably cold,” she said. “There’s nothing like it. Winter can’t do that. A roaring hearth? No thanks.”
Natasha’s friends told reporters that she has become notorious in their circle for turning down classic summer activities in favor of being in a really cold room.
“She’s always going on and on about how much she loves summer,” said Natasha’s roommate Jess. “So, I thought I’d invite her to partake in some things I consider quintessential summer must-dos. But when I asked her to grab drinks at this cute patio bar, she proceeded to ask the hostess if they had any indoor seating available, or even a dark basement we could chill in. So, no, I don’t think she likes ‘summer’ as much as ‘being cold inside.’”
Maude, another friend of Natasha’s, was inclined to agree.
“She didn’t want to go kite flying with me because she said the sun was ‘too sunny’ and the breeze was ‘too pleasant,’” Maude said, visibly sickened. “Kite flying! Imagine turning down such a whimsical-ass activity.”
When reporters asked Natasha whether the long summer nights, weekend barbecues, or half days her company does on Fridays had any impact on her so-called “love of summer,” Natasha responded firmly in the negative, saying, “Why would I want to leave work early in the summer? It’s cold there.”
At press time, Natasha had turned down several invitations from friends to go boating, have a picnic in the park, and even take a spontaneous, all-expense paid trip to the south of France, instead opting to sit in front of her roaring AC unit and watch TV that she couldn’t hear.
