I LIVED IT: I Wore Cowboy Boots to a Party and Now They’re Asking Me to Birth This Calf

I Lived it:

This summer I wanted to try out the latest shoe trend, but I never thought that my new boots would make people think I was literally capable of taking care of livestock on a farm. That was until I wore cowboy boots to my friend’s house party tonight and everyone asked me to birth some random calf.


Cowboy boots have been on every cool influencer’s Instagram page for the last few months, and I wanted to try them for myself. I thought they would add a little flair to my outfits, and I also thought that they’d be received as “cool” and “trendy”, not “farm ready” or “evidence that I know when a cow’s cervix is adequately dilated”. Sadly, the latter is what was expected of me when I arrived at this party about an hour ago.


Right when I walked into the room, I got several compliments about my new cowboy boots, but all of these compliments were immediately followed up with questions like “Do you know how to birth this calf?” and “We need to birth this calf and you look like you know how to do it. Could you please help us out?”



I would’ve never worn these cowboy boots if I knew that they’d make everyone at this party try to get me to birth a calf that’s also here too for some reason. Now I’m putting on rubber gloves and reading a Wikipedia page on “cow birth”. I can’t believe this is happening to me.


I’ve never even been on a farm before, but now everyone thinks that just because I have these cowboy boots I bought on eBay, I’m a rough yet steady ranch doula, which is absolutely not true! I’d like everyone here at this party and whoever else is reading this now to know that you should never ever judge a book by its cover, or its faux leather knee high boots.


Just because I’m making a fashion statement doesn’t mean I have any knowledge about farm life or what it takes to be a rancher. I just saw these cowboy boots thought they were cute! Now, if someone could call an actual cowboy(?) to birth this calf in the living room, then that would be — ope, okay great, now there’s cow afterbirth on my new shows.