I abide by all conversation conventions, so every time I start telling a friend a story, I make sure to say, “By the way, stop me if I’ve told you this before!” It’s just the kind thing to do. Have I ever been stopped? No, because I’m not the type of person who regularly forgets to whom I’ve revealed my secrets. That all changed this morning, though, when I launched into a story, told my friend to stop me if I’d already told them, and they did the unthinkable. They actually stopped me.
Okay, what the hell? You think this conversation is some kind of democracy? Nuh uh, babe. I’m in charge!
I’ve been going back and forth with a new situationship recently, and it’s been my sworn duty to keep all my friends abreast of new developments. Well, over the weekend, this girl and I finally hooked up, and I immediately had to tell absolutely everyone I’ve ever met. So, when I joined my friend Tabitha for breakfast, I launched right into the story, only for her to say, “Oh, actually you have already told me this,” then cut me off entirely with a summary of the events as told from my perspective.
I was mortified. How had I told Tabitha and been so callous as to forget it immediately? Then it hit me: I had called her in a moment of tipsy bliss immediately after the hookup. If only I had known that my conversational generosity would be used against me in such a damning way. Perhaps I never would have told her at all. Perhaps – as would be wise – I would have opted out of the friendship altogether.
Once Tabitha told me she’d already heard the story before, there was nothing for me to do, except go, “Oh,” then try to impress her with more details.
“Did I tell you about the –” I began.
“The part where you realized the ice cream you had for dessert wasn’t settling super well, so you had to leave for a couple of minutes to let the gas pass? Yeah,” she continued, absentmindedly picking at her food.
I was stunned into silence. I had no choice but to abandon the anecdote entirely and ask about her weekend, which was something I had never planned to do. Needless to say, I am reconsidering the terms of our friendship, as I am unsure there’s a future here for us.
