In a story about taking control of the narrative that is emerging from Baltimore, MD, 25-year-old Alma Zhen just said, “I have IBS,” to explain her many bathroom trips even though everyone clearly just saw her consume four drinkable yogurts.
“Sorry to leave you guys hanging for so long – I have IBS,” Alma told her friends Scottie Hart and Sarah Watson, as if they didn’t all see her drink the yogurts extremely fast about 15 minutes ago before rushing off to the toilet in record time. “It’s so annoying when my IBS acts up like this! Like, can a girl get a break just once?”
Sources confirm Alma knows she is lactose intolerant and should be taking a Lactaid pill whenever she consumes dairy, but that didn’t stop her from chugging four Yakults – a yogurt drink – in less than 30 seconds with no pill in sight.
“My IBS just derails my life in such a crazy way,” she continued, clearly eyeing another drinkable Yogurt in front of Scottie.
Scottie subtly shifted the yogurt away from Alma, lest she get the wrong idea and go for it again.
“Anyway,” she continued. “I have no clue what makes it act up! Guess this is just life with a debilitating and real illness.”
Alma then sighed heavily, yawned, and stretched her arms to reach even further for another drinkable yogurt. Luckily, Scottie shifted them away just in time.
“Do you think maybe your stomach issues have anything to do with the four Yakults you just drank?” Sarah inquired kindly, much like a teacher asking a kindergartener if they ate sand again. “I’m not judging, just curious.”
Despite Sarah’s best efforts, Alma took immediate offense to.
“Wow, way to victim-blame, Sarah,” she lashed out. “Irritable Bowel Syndrome can actually strike at any moment, and instead of supporting me like a good friend, you decided now would be the perfect time to make me feel personally responsible for my condition? I never expected this sort of ableism from you.”
Sources confirm Alma began crying real tears, but it was unclear whether this was due to her mental pain or the very physical pain of the four drinkable yogurts coming back.
“If I’m not supported here, I guess I’ll just go,” she finished. Alma then stood up from the table, grabbed five or six more yogurts, and ran away before either friend could stop her, which appeared to be her intention the entire time.
