I Don’t Like This Thing, but for Different, More Nuanced Reasons Than Yours

I’ve wasted so many interactions with people who aren’t on my intellectual level – and while you seem to be perfectly average and we seem to completely agree on this one thing, I need you to know that my reason for thinking it is far more nuanced and informed than yours.


For instance, if I say I dislike Whole Foods, I am not looking to bond with you how overpriced it is. Obviously I hate it because it’s owned by Amazon, creating an unstoppable force of capitalism that is willing to crush anything in its path. And, the salad bar is overrated. See how much more interesting my opinion is?


Plus, I read something about how they’ve gradually short-changed their employees over time. I haven’t finished the article yet because it was paywalled, but I’m pretty sure I got the gist of it. And if you also saw that article, please don’t try to tell me about it because you “read the whole thing”. It’s a complicated issue and I don’t want to hear a reductive take on it.


And while we’re at it, can we talk about the awful parking situation at every single Whole Foods? Why is every space made for a Smart car? What is this, Europe? This is the sort of nuanced analysis you just aren’t going to find in most public discourse.



And another thing: You hate reality shows because you don’t want to watch “a bunch of women fighting,” but you’ll tune into football players getting concussions every Sunday. I hate the Real Housewives franchise because it glorifies bad behavior. I’d rather watch The Sopranos, a quality show about good men doing good things, like going to therapy. Even when I do watch reality, I do it ironically, then use its catchphrases so much it becomes an integral part of my personality. We are not the same.


Whatever, I have to go back to doing the crossword and downvoting internet comments about Kim Kardashian (but not for the reasons you’re thinking).