‘I Can’t Wait to Not Have to Think About Politics Again,’ Says Woman Whose Home Will Be Underwater in Five Years

As news of Joe Biden’s presidential victory reached media outlets Saturday, Miami resident Sydney McDonald voiced her excitement at “finally being able to take a break from politics,” despite the fact that climate change will render her home uninhabitable within the next five years.


“It’s going to be so nice to just let the system do its work,” said McDonald, seemingly unaware that her beloved childhood home will only survive two more summers of glorious Florida sun before becoming submerged due to sea-level rise caused by rapidly melting ice caps.


McDonald smiled, adding, “I just can’t wait to not have to know the name of every single cabinet member.”


Eyewitnesses confirmed that McDonald appeared unconcerned that the climate change currently on track to destroy her life will be exacerbated by the conflicting financial interests of the multiple oil and gas executives Biden is likely to appoint to his cabinet.


Several of McDonald’s friends and neighbors voiced their agreement.


“I’m with Sydney – I’m ready to just go back to brunch,” said friend Angela Cooper, mistakenly operating under the assumption that her favorite brunch spot will remain dry and operational for the foreseeable future.



Cooper also appeared ignorant of the fact that the abrupt changes in sea level caused by climate change will render the Florida ecosystem inhospitable to certain species of crabs, tragically forcing Cooper to change her brunch order from the Cajun crabcakes to the kale Caesar salad within the next year and a half.


But not all Florida residents seemed excited to forget about politics.


“I feel like I’m going crazy,” stated Tonya Winters, staring at a graph depicting rising temperatures worldwide. “Does no one know that we’re all going to die? I mean, not to sound like an extremist, but you know that we’re all going to die, right?”


Nevertheless, McDonald remains enthusiastic about the future.


“I just want to relax after these hellish last four years,” she said, filling up her SUV to drive to a post-election victory party. “Now that Biden is in office, I just feel like we’re so much safer.”


At press time, McDonald was settling in to watch The Bachelorette with a glass of wine, unaware that the same freak cyclone that will claim Chris Harrison’s life in 2022 will also wipe out North America’s entire chardonnay reserves.