We’ve all been there: your inbox is flooded with promotions and newsletters, so you harden your heart and start unsubscribing. Suddenly, you are barraged with popup windows that say, “Please don’t go” and sad emails describing how much each company will miss you. Letting people down feels almost as horrible as inbox clutter, so what’s a girl to do when she hates for them to hate to see her go? Here are some tips for gently and subtly unsubscribing from email promotions.
Sign up for text updates.
You’ve received one tempting Dean and Deluca ad too many, so you steal yourself and click “unsubscribe.” “We really don’t want to lose you,” they implore as a single tear rolls down your cheek. You imagine the whole Dean and Deluca gang releasing a collective sigh at your departure. So when the next window asks if you’d prefer text messages instead, you go for it! You’ll receive even more messages in an even more intrusive medium, but at least you won’t lose sleep over their hurt feelings.
Buy all their products.
While it’s true that companies like Frito-Lay are looking to foster honest communication and a deep relationship with you in their delicious daily emails, it’s also true that they want you to buy their chips. Make this the best day of their lives by buying what the company is selling in bulk, whether that be gift baskets, artisanal soaps, or tickets to Minions. They’ll appreciate the revenue, but they’ll appreciate your gesture even more.
Paste the lyrics to “Go Your Own Way” in the “Other” window.
When The David Archuletta Fan Zone asks you why you no longer want to receive their updates, a gesture that strikes you as desperate yet touching, make use of the “other” option. The generic choices don’t really capture the complexity of your relationship anyway. Music is the only way to convey how you feel, and Fleetwood Mac’s iconic breakup song was made for occasions such as these.
Explain that you were hacked.
So you click unsubscribe, and Joanne’s Knitting Supplies sends you an email reading, “Thanks for unsubscribing.” JOANNE HERSELF is thanking YOU for betraying her, and great: now you’re on the floor sobbing. In these desperate times, you have to take drastic action. Email the poor company and explain, in depth, how your email was hacked by anti-capitalist newsletter haters. Tell them you deeply regret no longer receiving their promotions, and pray that they’ll forgive you. Who knows, they might even allow you back on their mailing list!
There. You did it. You spent some money, bared your soul, and avoided hurting any business entity’s feelings. Plus, your inbox is clear! That is, until the next hopeful cashier asks if you want to join the mailing list and you just can’t let him down.
