Impressing your parents is hard work – especially when they’re always interrogating you about your career plans. What are you supposed to tell them: that all you do every day is watch and re-watch Grey’s Anatomy and that yes you are absolutely caught up and will stay caught up for the rest of Ellen Pompeo’s life? Of course not! Here’s how to use the medical knowledge Shonda Rhimes has instilled in you to trick your parents into thinking you’re a very real heart surgeon.
Use The Vocabulary
Stop using simple words when talking about the human body. Got a paper cut? No, bitch, you have a lacerated phalange! Is your mom complaining that caffeine makes her jittery? Tell her she’s having heart palpitations. (Scary, but medically true!) After all, you are currently on season 15 of Grey’s Anatomy, so you know exactly what you’re talking about. Remember how you caught that mistake when Dr. Arizona Robbins told a patient he had “psoriasis” instead of “cirrhosis”? That was basically you taking the MCATs!
Dress for Success
If you want to trick people into thinking you are a Yang-level heart surgeon, you gotta look the part. Don’t cover up those baggy eyes. Sure, maybe you’re tired because you pulled an all-nighter and re-watched season 5 of Grey’s last night, but no one needs to know that’s why you’re tired. For all your parents know, you were removing a woman and a man from the pipe they were shish kebabed onto! And to really sell the look, start wearing a white coat with your outfits. Only fantastic heart surgeons are allowed to wear those!
Constantly Fuck a Resident At a Hospital
If you’ve learned nothing else from the hundreds of hours you’ve spent watching Shonda’s masterpiece, you’ve probably picked up on the fact that you should be constantly fucking in on-call rooms if you want to be a real cardio surgeon. Watch your parents’ faces fill with joy after you tell them you’ve finally found the one: a neurosurgical resident at your local hospital who you call McDreamy and will ultimately wed via a Post-it note. Now they can get off your back about how you’re both alone and heading nowhere with your life – two birds with one kidney stone, baby!
Use these tips to fool your parents, even if everyone else knows you’re very dumb from the hours you’ve spent frying your brain on TV! And if you haven’t seen every season of Grey’s Anatomy at least twice, you should never be allowed to practice medicine. Happy misdiagnosing!
