The difference between a bad boyfriend and an actual pile of trash can be hard to determine. Is he not answering your texts because he’s just not that into you, or is he not answering your texts because he has no hands and is just a plastic bag filled with food waste? So here are 10 questions that will help you determine if your boyfriend is an asshole, or just a literal heap of garbage.
1) When you guys first met he…
a) Brought you a watery beer and then grabbed your face at the bar. The next morning he asked you your name.
b) Just sort of showed up after a few really busy weeks at work when you didn’t have time to clean up and were ordering a lot of takeout.
2) Your friends don’t like him because…
a) He never has anything nice to say and is a consistently disrespectful and possibly a misogynist.
b) He never has anything to say because he is a pile of old receipts and bags of chips and an apple that is attracting flies.
3) When you try to talk about your interests he…
a) Barely says anything, or changes the subject to something directly related to himself.
b) He remains completely silent and motionless except for the tiny ants that crawl along his surface layer.
4) When you took him home to meet your parents they…
a) Were so upset by his behavior that they asked him to leave after two days and begged you not to go with him.
b) Scooped him up into a plastic bag and brought him out to the side of the street to be taken away and then acted like nothing unusual had happened.
5) You feel jealous because…
a) He clearly looks at other women, and you once found suspicious text messages on his phone.
b) He has never spoken to you before, and you once found him in a back alley covered in raccoons.
6) Everybody says he smells bad because…
a) He spends all day on his couch marinating in his own sweat, eating nachos, and not answering texts.
b) He is an accumulation of refuse, including old takeout containers and rotten vegetables.
7) For Valentine’s Day he…
a) Gave you a box of chocolates from CVS and then made fun of you for being “too sentimental” when you wanted to go to dinner.
b) Did nothing, because he is not capable of independent motion or thought. Though you did find part of a flower buried somewhere in there once.
8) When you go out to dinner he…
a) Makes you pay because he spent all of his money on weed.
b) Makes you pay because the only money he only has a few stray pennies that got thrown out accidentally.
9) The sex is…
a) Completely selfish and leaves you unsatisfied because he isn’t even trying.
b) Damp, sticky, and difficult because he is not a human man and does not have a penis; though he does have an old, squished-up water bottle.
10) He refuses to call you his “girlfriend” because…
a) He claims to need to “find himself,” but you know he’s just addicted to Tinder.
b) He can’t call anyone anything because he is a pile of garbage.
Results:
If you answered all B’s, congratulations! Your boyfriend isn’t a jerk! Sorry girl – he’s just an inanimate pile of garbage. If you answered all A’s, then your boyfriend is just kind of a dick. But hey, at least he’s a human man!
