It’s summer, which means the oppressive heat and humidity is going to make all of your clothes gross with soaking, disgusting sweat stains. Fortunately, there’s no shortage of cute summer styles that can make them look sort of acceptable! Embrace your body’s moist, natural cooling mechanism with these tips.
Problem: Yellow pit stains on your favorite silk tee
Solution: Stick a purse in it!
Here’s your chance to finally put that clutch purse you never use to work! Shove it way high up into your armpit, and hold it there all day. But wait a minute, you have two gross armpits. So shove a clutch under the other one, too. Although, come to think of it, clutches is that they’re way too small and impractical, so using two is normal and not weird! You look great!
Problem: Boob sweat soaking through your chiffon tank
Solution: Too many necklaces
If you’ve been paying attention to the last few season’s fashion trends, you know you’re a big pile of stupid if you don’t own at least 12 statement necklaces. So go to your jewelry box and find the biggest, heaviest ones you’ve got. Put on the biggest, most armor-like necklace first, and then keep putting on necklaces until you’re out of necklaces. Just remember to wipe them down periodically, or all that sweat will cause them to rust. You nailed it!
Problem: Crotch sweat flooding your cotton shorts
Solution: Scarf diaper
Don’t pack away those lightweight spring scarves just yet! The wool is perfect for sopping up your body water. Wrap a medium length scarf around and through both legs, layering over the crotch area as you go. Think of it as a chic, floral patterned diaper. Or no, that doesn’t sound so great…how about a “lap turban”? Not bad!
Problem: Butt crack sweat creeping up your linen pants
Solution: 7th grade-style sweatshirt disguise
This one’s easy: Tie a sweatshirt around your waist! You did it when you were 12 to hide embarrassing period stains, so you’re already a pro. Of course, it’s 90 degrees outside, so you probably don’t have a sweatshirt handy. You’ll just have to buy one from the nearest gift shop. But hey, there’s no shame in letting the world know that your butt <3’s NY! Don’t be surprised when strange women start approaching to ask if you need to borrow a tampon, though.
Perfect! In spite of everything, you look great!!!