It happens to all of us: Despite months of sweating it out at the gym and eating a diet of nothing but almonds, dry, skinless chicken breasts, and the occasional indulgent cup of sugar-free chocolate pudding with a child’s spoon, bikini season cometh. And some of us might not ready for it. Sure, you could opt for a traditional one-piece, but is that enough to cover your many problem areas? If your body isn’t a bikini body—and, trust us, it isn’t—try this summer’s hottest new trend: the six-piece swimsuit.
The six-piecer, which is specifically designed to flatter your figure while also covering every horrendous part of your repulsive human body, includes extra material to conceal bumpy thighs, saggy upper arms, knobby knees, weird elbows, and even chipped toenail polish.
“The six-piece swimsuit is a great choice for women who just couldn’t get their bodies and lives together fast enough for bikini season,” explains Kelly Ayers, a celebrity stylist. “It gives women a great overall shape, without exposing the world to their varicose veins, cellulite, or skin.”
Major retailers have been slow to pick up this emerging look, but Ayers is sure that they’ll be hot on the tip once they see how much demand there is.
“Eventually, the trend of body positivity will latch onto this hot new style as well,” she says. “And then we finally can get back to good, old-fashioned covering ourselves entirely. That’ll be a load off my mind, let me tell you.”
While other women might be deluded enough to bare it all on the beaches this summer, if you’re looking for an option that says “Hey world, I want to be here but I know you don’t want to see this,” the six piece swimsuit is for you.