How to Stop Taylor Swift From Showing Up at Your Gay Wedding

Summer is upon us, and Taylor Swift is very much on the prowl! If you and your partner are gearing up to tie the knot this season and wish to keep your big day free of opportunistic pop stars, then use these tips and tricks for a wedding that’s all about love and not centered on a surprise performance from Ms. Swift.


Keep your wedding off social media.

If Taylor catches wind of your gay wedding on Twitter, there may be no keeping her at bay. To err on the side of caution, don’t post anything about your wedding or even your engagement on any social media platform. Send out announcements and invitations through the mail, or, better yet, through whispered word of mouth. You may want to shout news of your love from the rooftops, but you better not lest you end up walking down the aisle to an acoustic rendition of ‘You Need to Calm Down’.


Employ a strict no camera policy.

If there is no chance of photographic or video evidence of Taylor crashing your homo wedding, it is far less likely that she will arrive in a puff of rainbow smoke and vogue under your alter for the duration of the ceremony. A phone basket for attendees is a nice way to enforce this policy, but, unfortunately, you will also have to fire your wedding photographer to ensure a camera free event. At least you will always have the memories in your brain of not being serenaded by hungry-for-gay-wedding, tall blonde woman while you tried to wed your spouse.



Go deep(er) into the woods?

For extra security, you might consider moving things off the grid. Maybe have your wedding in the woods, or, if your wedding is already in the woods, think about going deeper into the woods. If you’re willing to go the extra mile, it’s advisable to also set up a decoy gay wedding with some gay scarecrows and a speaker blaring ‘Love Story’ a few hundred yards from your woodland wedding to more fully throw Tay off your trail. If this seems excessive just remember that if she does find you, she’ll play the full arc of her oeuvre, insist on performing the ceremony, and switch out your wedding certificate with an unfavorable contract that legally binds you as her gay background dancers till you die.


So try out these little moves to keep your wedding out of the clutches of Taylor and her PR team. Have fun and be careful; Katy Perry might even make an appearance if you’re not. Congrats!